I haven’t blogged about my TTC efforts in a while. This is partly because I have grown more used to all its disappointments month after month, and partly because I have simply grown up.
See, life is not all about me, me and me. It is not about you, you and you. It is a collective sum of all the experiences and bittersweet journeys that we take, together with the lessons we are supposed to impart with at every stage. I’ll tell you how I’ve learned this.
This week I failed my 3rd fresh IVF cycle (and 4th ET, including one frozen embryo transfer) after trying to conceive for nearly 5 years now. I already got a negative home pregnancy test twice, so I was practically resigned and prepared when I finally received the beta score of 12.9. (Doesn’t it suck when you fail at a test that you in no way could prepare for?)
To say that I’m disappointed is an understatement – this is the first time we got to blastocysts (day-5 embryos) stage – and we were told they were almost all grade A quality (we put in 2 and froze the remaining two) so we were hopeful.
My doctor, Dr Arasu, also added 3 new drugs to take – aspirin (to reduce blood clots), steroids (to reduce natural killer cells) and antibiotics (to eliminate infections) to help improve implantation since I seem to have recurring implantation failure. They were good ideas, although looks like they didn’t help much.
However i feel fine and am at peace. I have 2 more blastocysts frozen and another fresh IVF included in the package at Fertility Associates. Dr wants to wait for period to start and then discuss next steps – most likely FET first (he’s thinking of adding endometrial scratch and hysteroscopy to dilate the cervix because i have a difficult passage) before doing the 2nd IVF. He called me after receiving the result, sounding sad but remaining positive, saying “We’ll get there.”
I wanna just keep trying my best. If it’s destined that my son remains an only child then that’s OK. The lesson I have learnt from TTC is this: Only Allah knows what is best for us, as He is the best planner. After all, if this is the main dugaan that He wants to test me with, then I am at peace (what we Muslims call redha) with this.
Surely, with all the other trying things happening to people from all over the world, my problems are miniscule in comparison. And He has kindly blessed with me with a beautiful child. My son used to be quite upset at not having a sibling but now he seems OK with it (he understandingly and wisely says “it’s ok mama, i have cousins”).
For as long as i have money and am healthy we’ll just keep on trying. I’m not giving up – Islam also says to try our best, and keep praying for what we want – and leave the decision in His hands. I want to be able to explain to Umar when he’s older how we tried our best to give him a sibling, but The One Above knows what is best for us. Hopefully he’ll agree. Amiiin.