I used to be quite the doormat when it came to hurting or affecting anyone’s feelings. (To be honest, I remain this way some times still). When I was in primary school, I was afraid to confront a friend I knew was stealing and when I confronted her, it was easy for me to forgive her back. When I was in secondary school and a friend didn’t treat me very well, I ignored it until another friend pointed it out. In my late teens to early twenties, I was in and out of several unhealthy relationships and put up with the drama until I finally called it quits. I was just not very strong when it came to being myself, and especially while being by myself at the same time.
In my mid twenties, I began to mature and recognise the fact that it is impossible to be Ms Nice Girl all the time, and even if I were, not everyone turned out to like me. An ex-bestie snubbed my friendship and started not to pick up my telephone calls, shortly before my wedding – which she obviously didn’t turn up for – and neither did she turn up for anything after that. (And let me tell you that the pain of an ex-BFF breaking up with you is worse than any number of ex-boyfriends.) I got through several different work opportunities and realised that no matter how hard you try, some bosses just don’t like you. I guess you can say I grew up and finally smelled the coffee (or burnt coffee, more like).
Well, this weekend I grew up some more. Bit by bit, little by little, day by day, things happen to me that changes my perception, my paradigm, my opinion of people and life. I got backstabbed, something that I was working on got abused and used by someone who really was supposed to be my guide and mentor me. Instead, I became an unwilling pawn in a chess match, an unfortunate scapegoat. And I didn’t even realise it until it was pointed out by someone else, who thankfully have come into my life to fill that mentorship position.
And I realise more and more, it is really impossible to get everyone to like you. But more than that, there are some people who are just out to get you and use your insecurities or deficiencies to manipulate the situation around to their advantage, just because it helps them establish their power or make them come off better in a situation. These people are leeches, monsters, or psychopaths who should be removed from your life. If I can’t remove them, I shall remove myself. And Allah the Almighty will punish them in the end, if only they knew.
As for me, I hope I can heal from this experience and become only stronger and better. In fact, the prayers of those who are abused / betrayed (dianiayai) are usually answered, so I’m taking this opportunity to pray for a long list of things I would like to happen in my life and after life. To the person who’s trying to use me for their own benefit, I am praying that the truth will come out, fast and clear. When I am in the right, God will be by my side, for I am no one’s doormat anymore, I am only God’s to have. Not anyone else.