Reading back on my earlier posts, I know I’ve said before that I would stop talking about my efforts to conceive baby #2. I’ve said I wanted to end my suffering and focus on what I have in life rather than what I deeply wanted to happen in my life next. Well, like other good human beings, I must have lied. Or rather, doing those things are harder than I thought they actually were.
I went through a cycle of in-vitriol-fertilization (IVF) this month. It started from day 2 of my last period, consisting of regular meets with the doctor, undergoing blood tests and administering daily injections by myself in the abdomen. Day 12 saw the process where I had to undergo sedation in day surgery operating theatre while the doctor extracted 9 eggs from my ovaries. Fertilization of the eggs happened over the course of the next two days, resulting in 6 grade 1-2 fertilized embryos (division of up to 4-5 cells each). On Day 14, the doctor transferred 3 of the best embryos to my uterus and we decided to freeze the rest for the future.
I was in the office on Wednesday, 14 days after the embryo transfer, when they called with the bad news. The embryos did not make it and had failed to implant. Being right in the lobby of the office, I stumbled over to the female toilets to cry my heart and soul out, but it was cut short as someone came into one of the cubicles. I then went to the prayer room but that had to be ruled out as well as someone was in it (probably sleeping). In the end, I went to KLCC park, found a quiet corner at the back below some shaded trees, and cried my heart and soul out there. Later, my mom and sisters came to find me and convinced me to take the rest of the week off (which I did).
I’m going back to work tomorrow, but already I’ve set up appointments to meet the bosses to discuss my future in the company. The negative result I feel is more of a final straw – I’ve been feeling for some time now that a decision must be made that is best for me and my family (particularly Umar) that can result in me having a better situation at home. A busy career and all the stresses that come with it may not impact the family lives of most working mothers and do not obviously affect their chances of having a bigger family, but I feel like they are in mine.
Ultimately, I understand that this is all the tests, or dugaan, that God is granting me in making me a better person and towards the bigger picture which I will perhaps only be able to grasp way in the future. Perhaps I am to stop making all the efforts in conceiving this next baby and focus more of the boy that I have in front of me and how I’m going to raise him to be the best man that he can be. Family life, which is still my priority and is most definitely the heart of my happiness, is what I should be focusing on the most. Insya Allah, all the other things I need and want – a bigger family, a better and more flexible career, a better relationship with my husband and immediate families – all these will continue to develop in strength and come in their own time.
Instead of just chasing baby, career, or anything else, I am to chase Allah’s will and rezeki for me. He above all else is the single most permanent certainty in life and will continue, I am sure, to lead and guide me towards more and more of it.