I am SO not going to follow the challenge’s title today because it’s about something that fills you with excitement and joy – and I think i’ve written enough in the last post about how the 3Fs give me balance in life, i.e. they provide happiness and contentment even through the troubled times. Well, today is one of those troubled times!! And adding salt to the wound, (a) faith; i cannot pray at the moment (the reason why i was depressed in the first place); (b) family and (c) friends are too far away to make an impact (sorry people).
I basically got another BFN today. That’s Big Fat Negative to you; that’s cyber-mom speak within women’s online boards for getting only one line on your stick. In other words, i got my period again – and that’s one more egg gone forever (since all the eggs women will ever have are in their ovaries since birth; and the quality decreases as you get older).
I am desperately trying not to sigh and not to be down in the dumps. After all, i remember this cycle too vividly back in 2005 when i first lost a baby and took 12 months to conceive Umar. Reading the boards for support, I learnt the jargon quickly: BFP (the one everyone wants), BFN (that no one wants but keep getting), BD (bed dance), OPK (ovulation predictor kits), DH (dear husband) – a term i carry till now in this blog, TTC (trying to conceive) etc. And now, 6 years later, I am back at this place within the TTC cycle, 6 years older and with less energy (if I’m depressed like today).
Adding to it all, work was difficult today. The economic evaluation of a gas block in Malaysia which I have been working on since last week took more twists and turns as more information came in via various emails – that this should have been calculated this way; can a sensitivity be done this way; etc. And now it’s almost 7pm, the office is empty, the trains will be empty (Aussies go home early – because they can), it’s raining outside (symbolizing the rain in my heart – chewah), and the bus service would be over and I would have to walk home (DH usually can’t pick up as Umar will be eating his dinner – plus it’s summer so it’s still bright).
Well, what Yani and I always used to say was – that life is like a wheel; and at any one time there will always be segments that are up (say, health, family, marriage) but some will be down (maybe money or career). I don’t want to keep moaning and groaning about my TTC efforts – I know I am grateful because at least I have Umar while some other couples are unable to conceive at all – and most importantly everyone is in one piece, alive and kicking and healthy. I know that and I certainly do feel that way. But what of kaizen – the continuous improvement attempts to make your daily life even better? Are we not allowed to feel the pain and disappointment whenever something we strive for doesn’t materialise? Sigh – ok, that’s just one last sigh – and I am going home.