Everyone knows that sort of cool person in your life, the one you secretly admire and aspire to be and seems to know and can do everything (Gwyneth, we’re looking at you). He/she is unruffledly successful in most things in life, listen to non-mainstream music, well versed in literature, arts and culture, and sometimes slag off or look down at people who are mainstream and only listen to pop music. They always seem to know what to say or what to do in a particular situation. They are very cool, and that’s not me.

I’m unabashedly mainstream in everything that I do. I wear basic simple clothes, I listen to songs I already like or accidentally stumble upon liking (I don’t have much patience to listen to a whole album filled with filler tracks). I even eat the same kind of dishes at restaurants, because I know they work and I don’t wanna be disappointed and forced to eat something I find out I don’t like. I love traveling, yet I get scared when a turbulence comes on during a flight and almost wish I were back home on the ground. Some people who are closest to me believe they are in the earlier category and basically laughs at my music taste and lack of cultured knowledge sometimes, which I don’t really mind because I know they’re right, but I’m not bothered because I’m not trying to be like everybody else. (Besides, there’s a reason why pop music is so popular – because the songs really are good and people enjoy them, maybe?)

I guess these things stem from our deepest nightmare which traces back to high school: peer pressure. Back at school, everyone wished to be the most popular guy/girl in school (I certainly did), wished they were dating the other popular guy/girl in school from the opposite sex (sometimes the same one), wished they were the coolest person who made everyone notice when they’re walking into a room. Remember those teen angst years? Yikes. I read short stories about wanting to be popular, ala Sweet Valley High, and I’m glad those stories have been lost. Cringe.

Now, in the Facebook/Twitter/FourSquare/iPad generation, things are different yet exactly the same. Nobody wants to admit they’ve got Backstreet Boys on their iPod, yet put on ‘Everybody‘ on the karaoke and suddenly everyone’s sitting up and singing along. People update their FB status or tweets about the latest book they’re reading (and it’ll be something I usually haven’t been, not ever will be, reading) or going to the latest gig in town. If you’re a mom like me, you’ll notice all those competitive girls who post about how a great wife and mother they are, by listing down the meals they’re cooking, posting their high-resolution SLR pictures of their cool babies, organizing unique and themed parties for their kids and inviting other cool moms and hip babies.

Nobody wants to post about how lonely they feel on a night in, or after a huge argument with their significant other, or feel left out after reading about how cool other people’s lives are. Nobody wants to fess up about listening to mainstream pop, or not reading literature, or not going to great concerts and musicals. (Or maybe, some people do do that – and it’s even more annoying). Which is perfectly reasonable, since everyone wants to present themselves as having a great life and not as losers – it’s human nature (which, I believe, is one of the coolest songs ever).

1. Charlie bit me

This has to be the cutest video ever. My sisters and I like to mimic the elder brother’s intonation and adorable British accent – “Charlie bit me! Ouch!” Too.Cute!

2. Jesse Campbell vs. Anthony Evans – Battle Rounds The Voice 2

This has got to be the best battle duets ever seen in the history of television. I get goosebumps all over even though I’ve watched this hundreds of times! Christina, you are a dumbass for sending Jesse home. Like, don’t you even want to win?! Really, there are no words.

3. Stand up comic Hannibal Buress

I watched this when I was in Melbourne last year. He was performing as part of the 2011 Melbourne Comedy Festival gala night and I thought he was easily the most hilarious of them all. I wanted to go watch him in person but timing schedules did not work out for my and my work mates, so we ended up watching Mark Watson, who was also equally hilarious (although a little loud). Pics of our trip were as posted here.

4. Cover of Born This Way by Maria Aragorn

This little girl is so talented and I think she was only like, 9, at this time. (I don’t even like this song, so this shows how amazing she is to make me actually like this video). Since her covers on YouTube became popular, she has gone on to bigger things and made appearances with other singers such as Gaga herself and on the Ellen Degeneres show. My sister and I think our niece Marsya could do a YouTube cover like this as she’s just as good, but no, she has to spoil it all by being too shy. (Boo.)

5. Ellen Degeneres show

Speaking of Ellen, once I get to her YouTube channel, i always end up surfing through wayyy more videos that i originally planned. I’m no LGBT rights fighter, but I seriously love Ellen and how great she is with interviewing the celebrities and making them look so comfortable and down-to-earth.

6. My son’s videos

In his early years, my husband and I were working and living apart from each other. Due to the distance, he desperately missed our only son and created two really adorable video clips about him. The first one was when he was around a year old, and the second was when he was about 2 and featured scenes from a trip to New York that we had (although I’ve discovered this one has been annoyingly blocked – why? why?!). Makes me smile every single time i watch them.

7. Fousey Tube’s videos

I came across this guy through a hijab fashion blog that I follow. It’s interesting to know how Middle Eastern families are like and realize how they are so similar to the local Malay families’ conservative culture. This guy is, again, so funny (I’ll bet you can notice a trend of the genres of videos that I like) i reckon he should be on television. Stat.

8. Hijabi fashion tutorials

Speaking of hijabis and being a modern hijabi myself. I like to watch hijab tutorials to get ideas on how to cover up but yet wear scarves stylishly to cover your hair. Right now my style is more relaxed and rebellious as it shows the neck, but when I’m ready to fully cover it I’m going to follow Yaz the Spaz’s style here which is my favorite. I think it’s great that girls are growing more confident and asserting their personalities in the face of the modern world, trying to find balance between succeeding in life yet remaining as Allah’s humble slaves.

9. Makeup tutorials

Although I’m actually not a big makeup and fashion girlie’s girl, I do like to watch beauty and try to learn how to recreate it for myself (whenever i get bothered enough, like if I was attending a dinner function or something) so hail the YouTube makeup tutorial queen Michelle Phan. I learnt a lot from watching her particularly when I was in Melbourne – if i’m home in KL, i normally get my sister to do my make up for me. Heh heh.

10. Fashion tutorials

Again, although my daily fashionista style is almost zilch, I do like to read women’s magazines and surf basic fashion information. I’m not interested and bothered in trends, so my learning curve is limited to just basic and classic pieces. A good video i’ve seen is this one by Chriselle Lim where she shows how to make 14 different looks from just 7 basic pieces. Since I wear a scarf and cover my hair daily, I can’t really implement everything I see in these sites and magazines, but I still like to watch anyway. Maybe when i’m a 100% domestic goddess i can try dress up like this at home for hubby (yeah… right ).

How are the two even related? Well, let me explain. Laura’s book was a memoir detailing the four months that happened in one summer when her husband of 20 years said, “I don’t love you and I’m not sure if i ever did”. (I can relate to this because i’ve heard those words before myself). Instead of yelling, screaming, crying and fighting with him, she calmly said “I don’t buy it. This is not about me.” You see, she believed (and she was proven correct) that her husband was temporarily in a mid-life crisis, lacking belief and self-confidence even in himself. If he had such little love for himself, she reasoned, this was not the time when he could love her. She held out, and in the meantime, she committed to end her suffering by simply stopping to want things her way. She cooked, took her kids for days out, gardened, rode horses, set the dinner table like the Queen was coming. In the end her husband started coming back home, mowed the lawn, had dinners at the table and began to believe in himself (and his family) again.

The book is extremely inspiring and is teaching me the value and strength of a woman who simply made a decision to be happy. And being happy doesn’t mean ha-ha-ha 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. I’m still trying to figure out what it truly means myself, but to me, since life is a roller coaster and sometimes you’re up and sometimes you’re down, being happy is when the net-net feeling you have on most days is happy. And content. And grateful.

What of Jamar Rogers? Well, I remember following him and his best friend Danny Gokey’s audition times during American Idol a few years ago, and how Danny made it into the final dozen but he didn’t. I remember being pissed off at the judges and moaning with my sisters on how he was wrongly sent home. All these years I’ve  never heard of him making it big anywhere else, so I assumed he had written off his performing aspirations and settled down somewhere with an alternative career. Until, that is, I saw him auditioning again for The Voice 2 – when only one judge turned around his chair to select him – which didn’t break down his spirits since it was his idol CeeLo. And last week, his performance in the next round was so good and the whole audience was screaming so loud, the judges couldn’t even start speaking over the noise.

Why is he such an inspiration? Because even though he failed several times and even hit rock bottom, he had the courage to come back trying, turning his pain into determination and after sharpening his craft. Although his bestie Danny Gokey made it to no.3 in Idol whereas he failed, fast forward a few years and now Danny is the one who’s a nobody (did he even have a single out?) and Jamar is the one who is being touted to win The Voice 2. Basically, the lesson i’m taking away is this: sometimes you know when you don’t make it, and people tell you there could be even something greater in the future? Jamar must have heard it, and although he may not have believed it straight away, one day he had the strength to start doing so. As we Malays say, rezeki (or blessings) may not come now but later – and in an even bigger form than you ever dreamed of.

Wow, really? So simple?

I read the article and quickly identified which type DH and I are in. For my husband, it’s pretty easy – he’s definitely a Director.

Here’s what Fisher says are the earmarks of a Director: “Directors are analytical and logical, straightforward, decisive, tough minded, focused, and good at rule-based and spatial skills like mechanics, math, and music. They also tend to be ambitious and competitive, as well as emotionally contained, even aloof.” SO straightforward. That’s him all right.

What he longs for: “A mind mate.” Uh-oh. (He may have chosen wrongly for that one).

How I’m supposed to captivate him: “Remember that he or she will respond best if you are logical, accurate, and clear. Don’t criticize yourself (many Directors regard this as pathetic), and if you want to intrigue your partner, pursue topics of substance rather than small talk.” Topics of substance?! Uh, too late for that. Almost 9 years of marriage has seen me throwing countless topics under the sky in order to attract his attention to carry a conversation – anything from celebrities’ tidbits to direct provocation. No wonder I kept failing – I should have armed myself with Wikipedia.

I, on the other hand, am most probably a Negotiator: “Negotiators are imaginative, intuitive, empathetic, and emotionally expressive, and have good verbal and social skills. Most strikingly, these people see the big picture with all the options.”

What I long for: “A soulmate.” (God it’s so true it’s almost sad. “You love me. Real or not real?” Ahhhhh – I’m such a sucker.)

Here’s the surprise: Apparently, Directors bonds best with Negotiators, and vice versa. We are also the second most common type of pairings in the survey of 500 couples, after Builder-Director. 70% of the couples surveyed said, given the chance, they would marry each other all over again after 16 years of marriage.

Wow – I’m gobsmacked. Certainly this shows that fate has definitely played a hand in how we got together, since ordinarily I would say that we are so different from each other it’s almost weird how we got married. Who would’ve thought there’s actual scientific evidence why?

I also did another survey on the site, which calculates your Happiness Index and lets you know, rather depressingly, where you are on the happiness scale. I got a score of second highest – meaning I’m pretty happy, but there’s definitely room for improvement. They then offer 10 very helpful ways in doing just that, with the no.1 step being “Give your best attention to your most important relationships”. I really like the passage accompanying the point:

“Relationships are the heart of happiness. Social research has found “rich and satisfying relationships” are the only external factors that will move your happiness score from “quite happy” to “very happy.” A common mistake we make is to get so busy pursuing happiness that we fail to give our best time, energy and attention to our relationships. Remind yourself daily that happiness is in the connections you make, in the friendships you keep and in the love that exists between others.

If you want to be happy, be a friend. Identify your most important relationships, and think about how you can be a true friend to your partner, to your children, to your parents, to your colleagues, to your clients, etc. Another way to increase your happiness score is to make a conscious commitment to being the most loving person you can possibly be. Your intention to love and be loved is the absolute key to happiness. Love is the most fun you can have with anyone. In the final analysis, there is no difference between happiness and love.”

Beautiful and meaningful words that I will try to take to heart and practise in my everyday life. I often ponder and discuss with DH on how we should aim to be as happy as we can with each other and our family unit since we are praying and planning to live together for the rest of our lives. If we die at the age of 70, that leaves us with another 37 years of being stuck with each other, so we might as well make the most out of it and have fun. Not the most romantic notion, but I like to think this is an example of how I’ve matured over the years – I no longer believe it’s purely romance and “you had me at hello” kind of lines straight out of a movie (the way I sadly used to think).

Fireworks, romance, excitement. Most definitely I want them, but I recognise how they can be mirages that may rob you of actual happiness – since they distract from actual love and kindness occurring everyday. Stability, loyalty and happiness are the real prizes to win here (unless your name is Giuliana Rancic and you’ve been lucky enough to snare Bill, who literally provides fireworks for you at parties. But comparison is the thief of joy, and I’m trying to increase my Happiness Index here, so I digress…)

I wish I wrote this!

P/S: A boy once gave me a poem, a real classic one that is so beautiful and descriptive that I don’t believe it describes me at all, but, well, ignorance is bliss I suppose. Who the person was would probably surprise people, too. One of the sweet memories of my life.

When the Words Don’t Fit – Sarah Healy (NY Times)

SHORTLY after I turned 21, a boy handed me a poem. It was folded and folded until the words were concentrated and tucked away, handwritten black letters turned and flipped inside a small square.

We had been on a plane from Burlington, Vt., to Newark, seated a few rows away from each other. I had noticed him before we boarded: the way he sat with his feet resting on his carry-on, his gaze focused on the open pages of a book.

I’ve noticed an increasing trend of wives and mothers opting out of the workforce and staying at home fully to manage the household. This, in my opinion, is a great development. No matter how many times I think about it, or angles I look at it from, I don’t waver from my belief that being a SAHM is actually the hardest job in the world, and hence why it is such a difficult thing to do for most women, including me. News headlines these days are full of depressing news about abusive maids/teachers, kidnapped and murdered children (al-Fatihah to them) and kids who grow up lacking attention from busy career-driven parents. Therefore, in my opinion, the more moms who are able to stay at home and raise their children, the better it will be for the world.

However, many mothers are not able to make that decision. First and foremost is the financial factor – most mothers need to work to help support family expenses, and it is estimated that the costs of raising a child is up to RM500k. On the other hand, most Malays have grown up with the saying ‘anak itu rezeki’ (children are blessings) and believe that the financial needs will somehow sort themselves out – primary and secondary education will somehow remain free but will be sufficient, tertiary education can be local (or funded by scholarships), jobs will be abound and in the end the children will take care of them when they grow old. Although I agree that children will bring blessings (and spur you to work harder to provide for the family) it is a little dangerous to just ignore the financial requirements of raising each child, and parents do need to keep this in mind (particularly to those who are very subur and are thinking of having child no.5, for instance). The future is still largely uncertain – the quality of public education is argued to be declining, the costs of tertiary education is rising and the long-term trend will move scholarship selection to those who merit it rather than by race or quota. You do need to worry about it – it’s only the responsible thing to do as a parent.

Secondly, most working moms justify their decision to go back to work by saying that they, simply put, need to. We’ve all heard about mothers who, unfortunately unnoticed by the world in most cases, sink into depression and ‘lose’ themselves little by little as a result of staying at home full-time and constantly catering to the needs of someone else. This i notice is mostly prevalent in the West, where moms typically don’t have any domestic helpers and try to do all the 1001 things by themselves – cooking, washing, laundry, ironing, vacuuming, mopping, homework, schedules, finances, soccer or piano practice, what have you. They forget to put themselves first and as a result end up forgetting who they are and what makes them happy. A lot of working mothers say they are happier as they have an intelligent and creative outlet during the day, and at night they go home to their families and become a mother again. A win-win situation, apparently.

As a working mom, I too cite the two factors above for myself, and in my case, going back to work was not an option – I had an 8-year bond to serve after having my tertiary education sponsored by my employer. But I don’t pride myself in saying that this was a better decision – I just have to have faith that God made me where I am today for many reasons, and hopefully the right ones. But I do have an increasingly passionate opinion that circumstances need to improve for the working mother – for instance, lack of quality childcare, limited support from employers (nurseries at the office and part-time work already exist elsewhere in the world, CEOs and bosses – come on!), the daily suffering from commuting/traffic jams and the lack of funding for moms to run small businesses at home. The government and the private sector must realize the importance of the family institution and help to make the situation better for women so that they can make the right decision. After all, you know what they say about women actually being the heart of the family – it’s really true. Provide the right environment for moms, and they will provide for their families, and the world inches to be a better place, bit by bit.

To all the stay-at-home moms out there, I salute you and I hope one day I can find the courage and strength to be like you.

A few deaths have occurred this last month, none within my circle of family or friends but known to me via social media and friends’ updates or retweets. A 30-year old steward who slipped and fell at the jetty at Pulau Perhentian, hit his head and drowned unconscious while on holiday. A colleague’s ex-schoolmate, 33 years old, who died in a motorcycling accident on the way home to see his wife and daughter after a game of futsal. A friend of a friend who had delivery complications which saw both the mother and baby battling for their life overnight in the ICU, only for the mom to lose her  child the next day. There are no words to describe the sadness. But my heart (and millions of other people’s) was touched particularly by Faris’s story, thanks to Bersama Mazidul blog.

Faris was a 6-year old happy and active boy, the youngest child of Sham and Zuraine (they have 2 other children, 13 and 10 years old) until he was diagnosed with blood cancer. On Mazidul’s blog, there is a picture of him when he was healthy and happy, smiling into the camera while propping up his head with his hands at a park. Another picture last week showed the stark realities of his suffering – full oxygen support, tubes and attachments clinging to his body, tears streaming down his face. Truly, only Allah knows best why these things happen, because it is beyond our weak human intellectual capabilities to make sense of. Truly, we are all just pieces of clay.

Two days ago Faris passed away. Pictures on the blog depict his mother sitting by his body, with her hands on his chest, talking to him. Another picture showed her outside the ward, crying softly while others surrounded her in consolation.  His sister’s card to him, praying for him, urging him to get well soon so they can ride in cars together and play badminton. His father, eyes dry, tired but tenang and pasrah. Pictures of the prayer session and pengebumian jenazah, tempat arwah disemadikan selama-lamanya.

He is the same age as my son Umar. It makes me think about the difference between the two boys, and the difference between my situation and Faris’s mother’s position. Why am I given the blessing of seeing my son in front of me, happy and healthy, Alhamdulillah, while hers has been taken away? It makes me realize that, indeed, all of us are properties from God and we are actually being loaned to this world. None of us have the right or the claim to a certain level of happiness, health and wealth. Whatever each and everyone of us have, is there due to the grace of God and nothing else. If He wished, we can all lose everything. Now. Tomorrow. Next year. Next 50 years. Wallahu’alam.

You are at a better place, dear Faris. Cry no more. Al-Fatihah.

I thought I’d write about this today, partly to express gratitude to God for granting me all those travel opportunities. I know I’ve been blessed with being in this position, as there are so many other people who have yet to experience boarding a single plane (and some who don’t even have a house to leave behind, bless ‘em). Thank you Allah.

Growing up, my mother instilled the love for traveling, exploring and appreciating other places and cultures in all of us. Even when we were not rich enough to travel to US or Europe (aside from our 2-year stint in US when i was 2 during my parents’ MBA, our only overseas trip was to Jakarta and Bangkok when we were young) we often had vacations or ‘staycations’ in various cities in Malaysia. By the time i was in secondary school, i had already been in all the states in Malaysia, including Sabah and Sarawak.

Being awarded a scholarship to study in the UK was a huge step up in my traveling resume, Alhamdulillah. I got to travel to several cities in Europe and even managed to visit NYC in my final summer as a student to stay with my aunt for a couple of weeks. After getting married, I managed to convince my husband to backpack across Europe for nearly 2 weeks, enroute to my sister in law’s graduation in London. Additionally through work, I was able to travel to more places such as Tokyo, HK, Chicago and NYC again (which i will never tire of as this is probably my no.1 favorite city in the world).

Thought I’ll just share some places which I’ve been to and the things I loved most about them.

New York is just truly the city that never sleeps. I remember getting out of the subway at Penn Station on 34th St (no i don’t have a photographic memory – had to look this up) and gazed in wonder at the tall skyscrapers which towered above me straight out of a movie. If I had to pick a favorite place in NYC, it would be Grand Central Station (try Junior’s cheesecake in the basement food court). Check out the pic i took of my hubby and son there.

Like most girls, I too grew up with a diet of Hollywood-laden romantic comedies and fairytale storybooks of happily ever after. You sort of grow throughout your teens and twenties expecting to meet Prince Charming who will sweep you off your feet. In other words, as my sister said, you sort of assume you will get “nothing less than fireworks”. With the bar set so high, is it any wonder we sometimes get disappointed with the men that we decide to marry? And even worse, we don’t realize that they may be equally disappointed with us?

I read in a book once that a major problem is that wives and husbands have a completely different language and definition when it comes to love. Women define love as having her husband tell her how much he loves her (the more often the better) and behaving in a romantic and loving manner at all times. The problem is, men don’t think those two things should matter at all because they’re already loving their ladies the way they deem fit. And that is: working hard, keeping her safe and making the best decisions for her and the family.

If a normal day in a marriage consists of a tired husband coming home from work (usually to a wife who is also tired from her daily work or chores), eating his dinner, watching TV and then turning in to sleep, all the while saying very little to his wife, it is highly likely the wife will think (after hundreds of the same said normal day in a row) that he doesn’t love her. At least not the way she would like it. She would like him to come home, give her a kiss, talk to her about his day, ask about her day (and actually listen and respond, too).

So she nags or picks on him for the little things he did – say, not washing the dishes or forgetting to take out the garbage. She may also unhelpfully add fuel to the fire by saying something negative like “You never want to talk to me anymore” or “You just don’t care”. The husband would probably roll his eyes, march off to bed without doing the things she asked him to do (in rebellion) and feel like this is not the dream wife he thought he had married. He wanted someone who respects him and doesn’t talk down to him since he’s the leader of the household.

The solution seems obvious – just put the two together in a room for an hour and force them to talk to each other about their feelings and expectations, how they don’t match and what can be done to bridge the gap. Unfortunately this is usually easier said than done. For anyone out there who is having this problem, I don’t have the solutions, but I do know one thing about men, and they can’t be forced to sit down and talk about something that they don’t feel like they wanna talk about. What you can do is just to create a good environment where he feels like you’re really respecting him as a husband, and just maybe, one day he will open up to you.

What I’ve learned in this process of tarik tali in my own marriage is that you have to be patient, be respectful, realize that your husband really is a good man and that he really does love you – even if it is in his own way (and usually much more than you know). And just hold on to that. If not, you may be falling in danger of expecting too much from your man – when actually, you already have your Prince Charming who loves you the way you are.

So here’s a review of my 2011 resolutions (and may I say it feels like it was just last month when I was sitting in my office in South Yarra writing them):

1. Have a baby (and a healthy and panjang umur one at that) – Unfortunately, Allah has not granted our prayers on this yet… and as hamba Allah we will be patient, keep trying and praying
2. Blog more (and better!) - i think i’ve achieved this. One full year of blogging, i can’t quite believe it!
3. Advance in my career (if not by position, salary at least) – i definitely achieved this. Alhamdulillah.
4. Lose 2kg and get back to my preferable weight of 50kg (obviously unless I am blessed with (1)) - Nope, didn’t quite manage to do this
5. Dance and sing more (just because it makes me happy). – I don’t think I did enough of this. Sure, I try to karaoke and jam with family and friends as much as I can, but I need to incorporate more of them in my daily activities to make my day brighter. And even hum in public (and don’t care about who hears/stares).

So my new year resolutions for 2012 are… drumroll, please:

1. Worry less about trying for baby, as Allah knows best of what He has in store for me. That means continue on trying with DH, fostering our marriage and having fun with each other and our little boy (who’s going to be bigger as he’s going to school in 2013!!) but also praying on time, and asking for His help. And after that, I just pasrah and leave it to His undertakings.
2. Continue blogging because it is a channel for my creative side and it makes me happy when people comment and appreciate my posts.
3. Think of my career direction and make a decision on what’s best for me and my family.
4. Go join a dancing class once a week – my company pays for our gym membership so I really should use it.
5. Record some of my singing with family members and put them on Youtube! It’ll be so much fun, and it’s really now (while we’re still relatively young) or never.

Happy New Year to everyone. May Allah swt bless us with a good year ahead, Amin.